I was born naive of You
But me You already knew
Even before I was in my mother's womb.
Why would You decree a call
To this lamb whom You apalled
That would rescue me from a much-deserved doom?
Should I presume the need to know
Why You'd rescue me from my woe?
When I think of who I am I weep
For I know of the fruit I should reap.
Instead you rescued me from Your holy wrath.
Now when I think on my rightful due
I no longer see me I see You.
Thank You, Lord, for straightening my errant path!
Now I pray to You for You're more than able
To make me worthy to sit at Your table.
As I walk this road before me
It's You waiting at the end I see.
Oh, how I want to run into Your embrace!
But this road cannot be passed by,
for it's needed to sanctify
And I know it is You, Lord, who sets the pace.
How much longer, I'm oft tempted to ask,
How much longer 'til the end of this task?
Soon I'll be at the wedding feast
And all suff'ring will long have ceased.
Oh, Lord, I anxiously await that great day!
I'll dine with You & You with me,
Together eternal we will be.
Please, Lord, do not tarry, this I humbly pray.
Yet, Lord, it is Your will I pray be done,
For I know still more souls need to be won.
To God be the glory! Amen.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Forgiveness
How much have I been forgiven? This is a rhetorical question, of course, but according to Jesus - who was & is the ultimate authority on the matter - how much I love Him is directly related to how much I perceive I've been forgiven. So, if I believe in my heart that I'm not as evil as, say, Jeffrey Dahmer then, by implication, I have not been forgiven as much as him & so then I will not have the love the Lord as much as he does.
I base this assertion on a verse in Luke &, I confess, it has been a stumbling block for me for quite some time now. At first I thought, "Great! I've never been a whore, a thief, a murderer.... Sure, I've been a drunk &, yes, I've cursed & lied but I've never done anything that bad!" No, I've never considered becoming any of those things but I did think that those that did were truly blessed simply because Jesus said they would love Him more.
Jesus said He came not to call the righteous but sinners to repentance, & that those who are well have no need for a physician. Fact is we all are sinners & sin is a disease only the Master Physician can remedy.
I am sick. I am a sinner. In no way do these two statements, which are both true & factual, exonerate me or absolve me from my guilt. I have no excuse for what & who I am nor can I blame anyone else but my myself for my condition.
I get angry, I'm extremely prideful in what I've achieved & in who I am, I afflict myself with lustful thoughts & I lie on an all-to-consistent basis. Although I have never murdered in deed I have thought murderous thoughts - & I have relished those thoughts as one would savor the flavor of iced tea on a hot summer's day!
Oh, the sinner that I am!
Jesus says those who are forgiven little, loves little. I have not been forgiven little. In fact, the longer I live the more I will need to be forgiven. And the more I am forgiven, the more I will love Him.
It was never a question of how much I have sinned; rather, it was one of perception. How much did I think I sinned? I know now that I am the worst sinner I know, no less a sinner than those who are languishing in prison right now.
All my life I have been surrounded & raised by those who fear & love God. I have been instructed in His ways & taught of my need for a saviour. If anyone could say he is not ignorant of God it would be me. I am wholly & utterly without excuse.
Yet in spite of my childhood I regretted my naivete of the world. Everyone, it seemed, had a dramatic testimony of how they came to Christ. But not me. I had always known the Truth. I cannot even claim the hour, day, month & year I came to saving grace as so many others do. And I felt guilty because of it, like I was missing out.
Don't get me wrong, I did have my dark years. I flirted with a life of sin, but when it came down to it the Truth would not leave me alone. It haunted me, sometimes it wouldn't let me sleep. For I knew the Truth & it knew me.
Flirtation with a life of unrest & sin. I call it a "flirtation" but a flirtation is just as bad. Sort of like "experimenting" with drugs: You still did them you just didn't make it a permanent lifestyle. For me, an unbeliever's lifestyle was not a fit.
I know it may appear as if I'm rambling but I'm not rambling in vain. I wrote all that to make a point that I hope is obvious by now: I feared I loved little because I perceived I had been forgiven little.
In my arrogance I had asked God why He did not allow me to wander a little farther from Him so that I could love Him a little more. I know He was protecting me from the pain that is consequential of profound sin but I wanted not only the experience but also the chance to know a deeper love for Him. I actually envied those who did have that opportunity!
There are many "I" statements written here revealing the extreme selfishness of my heart. Also the pride & arrogance. By writing what I have I have revealed how black my heart truly is, & that I had lost sight of the fact that it isn't about me but about Christ & His love & sacrifice for me. I have forgotten that it's all for His glory.
Again I have read Luke 7:47 but this time I have come to a new understanding, by the grace of God. The Holy Spirit knew I had been struggling with this verse & so He mercifully opened my eyes to its meaning by pointing me to another, possibly related, verse - Luke 5:31. Whereas I am not a theologian I cannot say this for sure but it almost appears as if Jesus' statements in these verses may be tongue-in-cheek. He said: "Those who are well have no need for a physician, but those who are sick. I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance." (Luke 5:31)
And, "Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven - for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little." (Luke 7:47)
I have come to realize that we are all sick & are in need of a physician, including myself. Further, Jesus says He did not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance. And since Paul, writing to the Romans, quoted Psalms as saying, "None is righteous, no, not one...." then I can only assume that Jesus was actually calling all of us to repentance.
As stated earlier I have never been a murderer thief or prostitute. I have never experienced the path of a drug abuser. But I have sinned. I have sinned as much as, if not more than, the murderer or drug user. My sins are just more "refined" &, as such, more palatable to the society at large.
The error I had made when I first read Luke 7:47 was what I perceived as the severity of my
sins, not the number. In God's eyes, as I've always been told, severity of the sin was never the point, for they are all sins. Nor, in my opinion, is it the number of sins, for the Lord says that if you only commit one sin you commit them all. Jesus had to forgive us all the same.
Yet the question remains: How much have I been forgiven? The answer is much regardless of my upbringing & lifestyle. Once I have fully grasped this truth then I will truly love Him all the more.
I base this assertion on a verse in Luke &, I confess, it has been a stumbling block for me for quite some time now. At first I thought, "Great! I've never been a whore, a thief, a murderer.... Sure, I've been a drunk &, yes, I've cursed & lied but I've never done anything that bad!" No, I've never considered becoming any of those things but I did think that those that did were truly blessed simply because Jesus said they would love Him more.
Jesus said He came not to call the righteous but sinners to repentance, & that those who are well have no need for a physician. Fact is we all are sinners & sin is a disease only the Master Physician can remedy.
I am sick. I am a sinner. In no way do these two statements, which are both true & factual, exonerate me or absolve me from my guilt. I have no excuse for what & who I am nor can I blame anyone else but my myself for my condition.
I get angry, I'm extremely prideful in what I've achieved & in who I am, I afflict myself with lustful thoughts & I lie on an all-to-consistent basis. Although I have never murdered in deed I have thought murderous thoughts - & I have relished those thoughts as one would savor the flavor of iced tea on a hot summer's day!
Oh, the sinner that I am!
Jesus says those who are forgiven little, loves little. I have not been forgiven little. In fact, the longer I live the more I will need to be forgiven. And the more I am forgiven, the more I will love Him.
It was never a question of how much I have sinned; rather, it was one of perception. How much did I think I sinned? I know now that I am the worst sinner I know, no less a sinner than those who are languishing in prison right now.
All my life I have been surrounded & raised by those who fear & love God. I have been instructed in His ways & taught of my need for a saviour. If anyone could say he is not ignorant of God it would be me. I am wholly & utterly without excuse.
Yet in spite of my childhood I regretted my naivete of the world. Everyone, it seemed, had a dramatic testimony of how they came to Christ. But not me. I had always known the Truth. I cannot even claim the hour, day, month & year I came to saving grace as so many others do. And I felt guilty because of it, like I was missing out.
Don't get me wrong, I did have my dark years. I flirted with a life of sin, but when it came down to it the Truth would not leave me alone. It haunted me, sometimes it wouldn't let me sleep. For I knew the Truth & it knew me.
Flirtation with a life of unrest & sin. I call it a "flirtation" but a flirtation is just as bad. Sort of like "experimenting" with drugs: You still did them you just didn't make it a permanent lifestyle. For me, an unbeliever's lifestyle was not a fit.
I know it may appear as if I'm rambling but I'm not rambling in vain. I wrote all that to make a point that I hope is obvious by now: I feared I loved little because I perceived I had been forgiven little.
In my arrogance I had asked God why He did not allow me to wander a little farther from Him so that I could love Him a little more. I know He was protecting me from the pain that is consequential of profound sin but I wanted not only the experience but also the chance to know a deeper love for Him. I actually envied those who did have that opportunity!
There are many "I" statements written here revealing the extreme selfishness of my heart. Also the pride & arrogance. By writing what I have I have revealed how black my heart truly is, & that I had lost sight of the fact that it isn't about me but about Christ & His love & sacrifice for me. I have forgotten that it's all for His glory.
Again I have read Luke 7:47 but this time I have come to a new understanding, by the grace of God. The Holy Spirit knew I had been struggling with this verse & so He mercifully opened my eyes to its meaning by pointing me to another, possibly related, verse - Luke 5:31. Whereas I am not a theologian I cannot say this for sure but it almost appears as if Jesus' statements in these verses may be tongue-in-cheek. He said: "Those who are well have no need for a physician, but those who are sick. I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance." (Luke 5:31)
And, "Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven - for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little." (Luke 7:47)
I have come to realize that we are all sick & are in need of a physician, including myself. Further, Jesus says He did not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance. And since Paul, writing to the Romans, quoted Psalms as saying, "None is righteous, no, not one...." then I can only assume that Jesus was actually calling all of us to repentance.
As stated earlier I have never been a murderer thief or prostitute. I have never experienced the path of a drug abuser. But I have sinned. I have sinned as much as, if not more than, the murderer or drug user. My sins are just more "refined" &, as such, more palatable to the society at large.
The error I had made when I first read Luke 7:47 was what I perceived as the severity of my
sins, not the number. In God's eyes, as I've always been told, severity of the sin was never the point, for they are all sins. Nor, in my opinion, is it the number of sins, for the Lord says that if you only commit one sin you commit them all. Jesus had to forgive us all the same.
Yet the question remains: How much have I been forgiven? The answer is much regardless of my upbringing & lifestyle. Once I have fully grasped this truth then I will truly love Him all the more.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
A Trying Week
The holidays passed without much fanfare. Regardless, they did serve as an important landmark for me whereas as of 31 December I will have been deployed for 107 days. In my mind we have not yet reached the point of counting down the days remaining on our orders so instead I continue to count up. Our orders are written for 270 days so the half-way point, by my estimate, would be 28 January. Almost there!
I was over-joyed to receive mail from the Olsen family, the Powers & the care package that the DeVidal's put together for the troops. All my friends here enjoy the artwork & the sweets; however, I haven't been able to interest them in the toothpaste or toothbrushes. I'm sure Chris & Jerod would be happy to know that, yes, I have successfully passed out the Gospel tracts. Unfortunately I don't think anyone has read them; I think they accepted & promised to read them just to appease me. And, as always, thanks to my immediate family for keeping the packages with books, sweets & other necessities coming down-range.
My experience here in Kuwait (NOT Iraq) continues to be, at times, a painful character-builder. I'm happy when a ship is in-port, because it means we have a purpose that must be fulfilled, & there was an abundance of them this past month. But woe to us on the vessel team when there are no ships in-port & nothing to do! Because when there is nothing to do not only does time slow down but also higher headquarters company (HHC) finds something for us to do, & it's usually something I like to call "busy work".
Now, we all know what "busy work" is: It's those meaningless chores that has nothing to do at all with the mission either directly or indirectly but is reserved by the military for the sole purpose of giving the troops something to do when there is really nothing to be done. You see, it would go against the nature of all military commanders to allow their troops more than a day or two off at one time unless they are on authorized leave or R & R. To wit, we, being the vessel team, have been assigned 55-gallon drums to paint, Third Country Nationals (TCN's) to escort, quarterdeck & dining facility (D-FAC) watches & equipment on which to train. I, personally, have been assigned to a D-FAC watch & a Kalmar RT-240 Rough-Terrain Container Handler (RATCH) on which to qualify as a driver.
No, no, no! Don't laugh. It gets even better.
When I challenged a chief petty officer & an officer on the matter of painting drums I was told, "Eddy, we don't care how many drums you paint in four months [the remainder of the deployment]. You could paint just one or all of them for all we care!" Talk about taking the wind out of the sails of my anger, which only served to anger me all the more. They weren't supposed to tell me that, at least that's not how the conversation played itself out in my mind. What were they thinking by not going along with the script I had already written for them? How humiliating!
Later on that same day I was given a spreadsheet of our assignments for the week. Of course, according to the spreadsheet, I was to have nothing to do with painting those drums. Instead, I was assigned to learning how to operate a RATCH with two fellow shipmates as my instructors. (Two teachers for one student? Nevermind, I won't even go there....) Now I was really sinning in my anger. In fact, I was quickly becoming the chief of sinners, not that I wasn't already. I wanted to paint those drums, darn it, so I could justify my sin (anger) all the more. Now I was looking more the fool.
What makes this situation even worse is the over-all sin I was feeding. That sin is pride. In my mind I had convinced myself that I deserved better & that I was above all this. I am a Christian, for Pete's sake, a follower of Christ! Here I am reading books like "The Discipline of Grace" & "The Pursuit of Godliness" & yet I have no grace or Godliness in me. I am being the worst possible picture of Christ for the world to view & yet I had pridefully set in my heart to concentrate on all things Christian & to become apathetic to all things Navy. I had convinced myself that by becoming more righteous, as I saw it, I was taking the high road in the matter when in deed I was using my self-righteousness to feed my pride. Maybe those to whom I had given those Gospel tracts saw that in me & so decided to throw them away as a result.
Whether I want to admit it or not I am a leader. By my words & actions I can either lead people to Christ or consign them to the pit of Hell. I fear that my actions over the course of the past week has done more of the latter than the former. Especially since, as I have also been forced to learn this past week, that I am one of the few people in this unit to be held in high regard by most everyone.
Originally, I had planned to go in a completely different direction with this entry but for whatever reason I didn't. Maybe sometime in the near future, the Lord permitting, I'll be able to broach that subject.
So, until next time....
I was over-joyed to receive mail from the Olsen family, the Powers & the care package that the DeVidal's put together for the troops. All my friends here enjoy the artwork & the sweets; however, I haven't been able to interest them in the toothpaste or toothbrushes. I'm sure Chris & Jerod would be happy to know that, yes, I have successfully passed out the Gospel tracts. Unfortunately I don't think anyone has read them; I think they accepted & promised to read them just to appease me. And, as always, thanks to my immediate family for keeping the packages with books, sweets & other necessities coming down-range.
My experience here in Kuwait (NOT Iraq) continues to be, at times, a painful character-builder. I'm happy when a ship is in-port, because it means we have a purpose that must be fulfilled, & there was an abundance of them this past month. But woe to us on the vessel team when there are no ships in-port & nothing to do! Because when there is nothing to do not only does time slow down but also higher headquarters company (HHC) finds something for us to do, & it's usually something I like to call "busy work".
Now, we all know what "busy work" is: It's those meaningless chores that has nothing to do at all with the mission either directly or indirectly but is reserved by the military for the sole purpose of giving the troops something to do when there is really nothing to be done. You see, it would go against the nature of all military commanders to allow their troops more than a day or two off at one time unless they are on authorized leave or R & R. To wit, we, being the vessel team, have been assigned 55-gallon drums to paint, Third Country Nationals (TCN's) to escort, quarterdeck & dining facility (D-FAC) watches & equipment on which to train. I, personally, have been assigned to a D-FAC watch & a Kalmar RT-240 Rough-Terrain Container Handler (RATCH) on which to qualify as a driver.
No, no, no! Don't laugh. It gets even better.
When I challenged a chief petty officer & an officer on the matter of painting drums I was told, "Eddy, we don't care how many drums you paint in four months [the remainder of the deployment]. You could paint just one or all of them for all we care!" Talk about taking the wind out of the sails of my anger, which only served to anger me all the more. They weren't supposed to tell me that, at least that's not how the conversation played itself out in my mind. What were they thinking by not going along with the script I had already written for them? How humiliating!
Later on that same day I was given a spreadsheet of our assignments for the week. Of course, according to the spreadsheet, I was to have nothing to do with painting those drums. Instead, I was assigned to learning how to operate a RATCH with two fellow shipmates as my instructors. (Two teachers for one student? Nevermind, I won't even go there....) Now I was really sinning in my anger. In fact, I was quickly becoming the chief of sinners, not that I wasn't already. I wanted to paint those drums, darn it, so I could justify my sin (anger) all the more. Now I was looking more the fool.
What makes this situation even worse is the over-all sin I was feeding. That sin is pride. In my mind I had convinced myself that I deserved better & that I was above all this. I am a Christian, for Pete's sake, a follower of Christ! Here I am reading books like "The Discipline of Grace" & "The Pursuit of Godliness" & yet I have no grace or Godliness in me. I am being the worst possible picture of Christ for the world to view & yet I had pridefully set in my heart to concentrate on all things Christian & to become apathetic to all things Navy. I had convinced myself that by becoming more righteous, as I saw it, I was taking the high road in the matter when in deed I was using my self-righteousness to feed my pride. Maybe those to whom I had given those Gospel tracts saw that in me & so decided to throw them away as a result.
Whether I want to admit it or not I am a leader. By my words & actions I can either lead people to Christ or consign them to the pit of Hell. I fear that my actions over the course of the past week has done more of the latter than the former. Especially since, as I have also been forced to learn this past week, that I am one of the few people in this unit to be held in high regard by most everyone.
Originally, I had planned to go in a completely different direction with this entry but for whatever reason I didn't. Maybe sometime in the near future, the Lord permitting, I'll be able to broach that subject.
So, until next time....
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