While We Were Still Enemies....

Much has happened in the past month since I last wrote. I have moved from Kuwait Naval Base to Camp Arifjan & I have moved from one location to another while at Arifjan. We now commute to work via contracted bussing because our driving privileges have been revoked by Admiral Redpath. And I no longer work at Shuaiba because I have been re-assigned to the "Transition Training Team" or, in Navy lingo, T3 for short.

All of this was set in motion weeks ago, because big Navy wants to proclaim "Mission Complete!" in this aspect of our support of the Army. The goal is to completely withdraw from all port activities altogether, &, if everything goes according to plan, we should be able to achieve this goal by July during the Hotel rotation.

So, what will I be doing now that I'm assigned to T3? I don't know. I hope to go home earlier than originally anticipated. If I am so blessed then I'll leave here around mid-April. If not then I'm here until mid-May which is my planned rotation date anyway.

With everything in transition & up-in-the-air as it is right now I want so much to be able to know what the immediate future holds. The fact that I know so little & that I can't count on anything for sure until it actually happens is discomfitting. It's like trying to walk on quicksand. But the Command continues to demand flexibility from us claiming our unofficial motto is "Semper Gumby". As for myself, I hope to never see a Gumby show or hear his name again. Ever.

A few weeks ago I had planned on updating this blog but now I'm glad I didn't. For a couple of reasons: First, I was at my lowest point of the deployment &, second, I know so much more now than I did then.

By the grace of God I am no longer being assailed by depressing thoughts which is actually a lack of faith in Him, or, more aptly, functional atheism. Ironically, I was studying the travails of Paul & I knew in my heart that without a doubt he suffered so much more than I have. Yet he strove to be content & joyful in all things.

Also, regardless of whatever my situation, it is still far better than I deserve, for I know the depth of my sins. If I don't see sin as God does then to some extent I will always believe that I somehow deserve God's grace & mercy, & that, even more egregiously, I deserve a saviour & that God somehow owed it to me to have His Son die for the sins I commit! I believe Paul fully understood the depth of his sin & God's view of it; therefore, this understanding added to his contentment & joy.

God is faithful even when I'm faithless. And I am faithless - in more than one area of my life. I can never pride myself on my faithfulness, for in whatever one area I am faithful there are at least ten areas where I am not. Furthermore, the real miracle is not that I'm faithful in just one area - whch is to say, the one area in which God enables me to be faithful - but that God continues to be faithful in all areas in spite of my faithlessness.

As I write this I find myself becoming emotional, & I'm not sure why. By God's faithfulness I'm reminded of the Scripture that reads "... While we were still enemies of God...." & I can't help but praise Him under my breath. Even as I watched "Facing the Giants" - which also schooled me on the faithfulness of God - I was on the verge of tears. I kid you not. But I held them back, for I was not alone.

I wish I could continue but I cannot. There are duties I have yet to perform before the sun sets & the day is quickly fading.

Be it the will of God, I'll see you all soon.

A Poem

I was born naive of You
But me You already knew
Even before I was in my mother's womb.
Why would You decree a call
To this lamb whom You apalled
That would rescue me from a much-deserved doom?
Should I presume the need to know
Why You'd rescue me from my woe?
When I think of who I am I weep
For I know of the fruit I should reap.
Instead you rescued me from Your holy wrath.
Now when I think on my rightful due
I no longer see me I see You.
Thank You, Lord, for straightening my errant path!
Now I pray to You for You're more than able
To make me worthy to sit at Your table.
As I walk this road before me
It's You waiting at the end I see.
Oh, how I want to run into Your embrace!
But this road cannot be passed by,
for it's needed to sanctify
And I know it is You, Lord, who sets the pace.
How much longer, I'm oft tempted to ask,
How much longer 'til the end of this task?
Soon I'll be at the wedding feast
And all suff'ring will long have ceased.
Oh, Lord, I anxiously await that great day!
I'll dine with You & You with me,
Together eternal we will be.
Please, Lord, do not tarry, this I humbly pray.
Yet, Lord, it is Your will I pray be done,
For I know still more souls need to be won.
To God be the glory! Amen.

Forgiveness

How much have I been forgiven? This is a rhetorical question, of course, but according to Jesus - who was & is the ultimate authority on the matter - how much I love Him is directly related to how much I perceive I've been forgiven. So, if I believe in my heart that I'm not as evil as, say, Jeffrey Dahmer then, by implication, I have not been forgiven as much as him & so then I will not have the love the Lord as much as he does.

I base this assertion on a verse in Luke &, I confess, it has been a stumbling block for me for quite some time now. At first I thought, "Great! I've never been a whore, a thief, a murderer.... Sure, I've been a drunk &, yes, I've cursed & lied but I've never done anything that bad!" No, I've never considered becoming any of those things but I did think that those that did were truly blessed simply because Jesus said they would love Him more.

Jesus said He came not to call the righteous but sinners to repentance, & that those who are well have no need for a physician. Fact is we all are sinners & sin is a disease only the Master Physician can remedy.

I am sick. I am a sinner. In no way do these two statements, which are both true & factual, exonerate me or absolve me from my guilt. I have no excuse for what & who I am nor can I blame anyone else but my myself for my condition.

I get angry, I'm extremely prideful in what I've achieved & in who I am, I afflict myself with lustful thoughts & I lie on an all-to-consistent basis. Although I have never murdered in deed I have thought murderous thoughts - & I have relished those thoughts as one would savor the flavor of iced tea on a hot summer's day!

Oh, the sinner that I am!

Jesus says those who are forgiven little, loves little. I have not been forgiven little. In fact, the longer I live the more I will need to be forgiven. And the more I am forgiven, the more I will love Him.

It was never a question of how much I have sinned; rather, it was one of perception. How much did I think I sinned? I know now that I am the worst sinner I know, no less a sinner than those who are languishing in prison right now.

All my life I have been surrounded & raised by those who fear & love God. I have been instructed in His ways & taught of my need for a saviour. If anyone could say he is not ignorant of God it would be me. I am wholly & utterly without excuse.

Yet in spite of my childhood I regretted my naivete of the world. Everyone, it seemed, had a dramatic testimony of how they came to Christ. But not me. I had always known the Truth. I cannot even claim the hour, day, month & year I came to saving grace as so many others do. And I felt guilty because of it, like I was missing out.

Don't get me wrong, I did have my dark years. I flirted with a life of sin, but when it came down to it the Truth would not leave me alone. It haunted me, sometimes it wouldn't let me sleep. For I knew the Truth & it knew me.

Flirtation with a life of unrest & sin. I call it a "flirtation" but a flirtation is just as bad. Sort of like "experimenting" with drugs: You still did them you just didn't make it a permanent lifestyle. For me, an unbeliever's lifestyle was not a fit.

I know it may appear as if I'm rambling but I'm not rambling in vain. I wrote all that to make a point that I hope is obvious by now: I feared I loved little because I perceived I had been forgiven little.

In my arrogance I had asked God why He did not allow me to wander a little farther from Him so that I could love Him a little more. I know He was protecting me from the pain that is consequential of profound sin but I wanted not only the experience but also the chance to know a deeper love for Him. I actually envied those who did have that opportunity!

There are many "I" statements written here revealing the extreme selfishness of my heart. Also the pride & arrogance. By writing what I have I have revealed how black my heart truly is, & that I had lost sight of the fact that it isn't about me but about Christ & His love & sacrifice for me. I have forgotten that it's all for His glory.

Again I have read Luke 7:47 but this time I have come to a new understanding, by the grace of God. The Holy Spirit knew I had been struggling with this verse & so He mercifully opened my eyes to its meaning by pointing me to another, possibly related, verse - Luke 5:31. Whereas I am not a theologian I cannot say this for sure but it almost appears as if Jesus' statements in these verses may be tongue-in-cheek. He said: "Those who are well have no need for a physician, but those who are sick. I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance." (Luke 5:31)

And, "Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven - for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little." (Luke 7:47)

I have come to realize that we are all sick & are in need of a physician, including myself. Further, Jesus says He did not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance. And since Paul, writing to the Romans, quoted Psalms as saying, "None is righteous, no, not one...." then I can only assume that Jesus was actually calling all of us to repentance.

As stated earlier I have never been a murderer thief or prostitute. I have never experienced the path of a drug abuser. But I have sinned. I have sinned as much as, if not more than, the murderer or drug user. My sins are just more "refined" &, as such, more palatable to the society at large.

The error I had made when I first read Luke 7:47 was what I perceived as the severity of my
sins, not the number. In God's eyes, as I've always been told, severity of the sin was never the point, for they are all sins. Nor, in my opinion, is it the number of sins, for the Lord says that if you only commit one sin you commit them all. Jesus had to forgive us all the same.

Yet the question remains: How much have I been forgiven? The answer is much regardless of my upbringing & lifestyle. Once I have fully grasped this truth then I will truly love Him all the more.

A Trying Week

The holidays passed without much fanfare. Regardless, they did serve as an important landmark for me whereas as of 31 December I will have been deployed for 107 days. In my mind we have not yet reached the point of counting down the days remaining on our orders so instead I continue to count up. Our orders are written for 270 days so the half-way point, by my estimate, would be 28 January. Almost there!

I was over-joyed to receive mail from the Olsen family, the Powers & the care package that the DeVidal's put together for the troops. All my friends here enjoy the artwork & the sweets; however, I haven't been able to interest them in the toothpaste or toothbrushes. I'm sure Chris & Jerod would be happy to know that, yes, I have successfully passed out the Gospel tracts. Unfortunately I don't think anyone has read them; I think they accepted & promised to read them just to appease me. And, as always, thanks to my immediate family for keeping the packages with books, sweets & other necessities coming down-range.

My experience here in Kuwait (NOT Iraq) continues to be, at times, a painful character-builder. I'm happy when a ship is in-port, because it means we have a purpose that must be fulfilled, & there was an abundance of them this past month. But woe to us on the vessel team when there are no ships in-port & nothing to do! Because when there is nothing to do not only does time slow down but also higher headquarters company (HHC) finds something for us to do, & it's usually something I like to call "busy work".

Now, we all know what "busy work" is: It's those meaningless chores that has nothing to do at all with the mission either directly or indirectly but is reserved by the military for the sole purpose of giving the troops something to do when there is really nothing to be done. You see, it would go against the nature of all military commanders to allow their troops more than a day or two off at one time unless they are on authorized leave or R & R. To wit, we, being the vessel team, have been assigned 55-gallon drums to paint, Third Country Nationals (TCN's) to escort, quarterdeck & dining facility (D-FAC) watches & equipment on which to train. I, personally, have been assigned to a D-FAC watch & a Kalmar RT-240 Rough-Terrain Container Handler (RATCH) on which to qualify as a driver.

No, no, no! Don't laugh. It gets even better.

When I challenged a chief petty officer & an officer on the matter of painting drums I was told, "Eddy, we don't care how many drums you paint in four months [the remainder of the deployment]. You could paint just one or all of them for all we care!" Talk about taking the wind out of the sails of my anger, which only served to anger me all the more. They weren't supposed to tell me that, at least that's not how the conversation played itself out in my mind. What were they thinking by not going along with the script I had already written for them? How humiliating!

Later on that same day I was given a spreadsheet of our assignments for the week. Of course, according to the spreadsheet, I was to have nothing to do with painting those drums. Instead, I was assigned to learning how to operate a RATCH with two fellow shipmates as my instructors. (Two teachers for one student? Nevermind, I won't even go there....) Now I was really sinning in my anger. In fact, I was quickly becoming the chief of sinners, not that I wasn't already. I wanted to paint those drums, darn it, so I could justify my sin (anger) all the more. Now I was looking more the fool.

What makes this situation even worse is the over-all sin I was feeding. That sin is pride. In my mind I had convinced myself that I deserved better & that I was above all this. I am a Christian, for Pete's sake, a follower of Christ! Here I am reading books like "The Discipline of Grace" & "The Pursuit of Godliness" & yet I have no grace or Godliness in me. I am being the worst possible picture of Christ for the world to view & yet I had pridefully set in my heart to concentrate on all things Christian & to become apathetic to all things Navy. I had convinced myself that by becoming more righteous, as I saw it, I was taking the high road in the matter when in deed I was using my self-righteousness to feed my pride. Maybe those to whom I had given those Gospel tracts saw that in me & so decided to throw them away as a result.

Whether I want to admit it or not I am a leader. By my words & actions I can either lead people to Christ or consign them to the pit of Hell. I fear that my actions over the course of the past week has done more of the latter than the former. Especially since, as I have also been forced to learn this past week, that I am one of the few people in this unit to be held in high regard by most everyone.

Originally, I had planned to go in a completely different direction with this entry but for whatever reason I didn't. Maybe sometime in the near future, the Lord permitting, I'll be able to broach that subject.

So, until next time....

Merry Christmas!

Christmas. Peace on Earth, good will to men.

Too bad the bad guys in this part of the world don't believe in Christmas, or in wishing peace or good will - to anyone. Well, they do but only if you share their beliefs. Otherwise they sing carols to Allah calling for our doom. And this Christmas I will be right in their midst, among people who would much rather wish me ill simply because all I claim to know is Jesus & Him crucified.

Looking around the countryside one would never be able to guess that Christmas is near. No Christmas trees, no Christmas lights, no effigies of Santa Claus & certainly no Nativity scenes dot the landscape as they do in America. It's kind of eerie.

As such, this Christmas does not feel like Christmas. But Christmas shouldn't be about me or my feelings; it is about our Lord born to a virgin for the sole purpose of dying for us. And to ultimately rise again. Hence, it doesn't matter where you or I are, for it's still Christmas.

I want you all to know how much I appreciate & love you. Thank you for the support you have extended to my family in my absence, for that is the greatest Christmas gift you all could have ever given me. Further, thank you for the prayers, e-mails & posts. I read them all.

But, most importantly, Merry Christmas & peace be unto you. Even if there is seemingly no peace on Earth.

Repentance: Another Gift from God

It has been my heart's desire to post more often on my blog but, lately, I've been prevented from doing so. Access to a computer connected to the Internet has been spotty to say the least due in no small part to the unusually high number of people staying here at this time. A vast majority of them, unlike myself, are transients either ultimately heading north to Iraq or going home. Regardless it doesn't really matter to me I just wish they would leave so everything can get back to normal & I can once again freely access the Web.

We have been staying busy, which is good, because otherwise time would appear to be at a stand-still. I know it isn't wise to wish away my life, for it is already short, like a breath of wind; but I consider this case to be an exception to the rule, an aberration of the norm. Yet in spite of what I feel, I know that I will one day look back at this time as a moment when God sovereignly moved in my life.

Privacy here is almost unheard-of. Before I wouldn't have cared as much but now that a desire to be with the Lord is becoming more insistent in me I am discovering that escape is not so easy. There are no closets to which I can run nor are there any bathrooms where I can lock the door & hide. Well, there are those portable toilets but they're plastic with no "clean" seats & they smell like - well - a sewer which is a distraction more than anything else.

Why do I have a desire for solitude? Quite simply, because I believe the Lord is calling me to repentance. And I need that solitude so I can vocalize that of which I'm repenting. Through this repentance will come revival, for God is quick to visit the repentant & humble soul. Since God resists the proud I have come to firmly believe that unless a man first humbles himself & repents he will never know God.

Of course I did not come to this conclusion on my own but with the help of a couple of books I recently read called "Repentance" by Richard Owen Roberts & "No Compromise: The Life Story of Keith Green" by Melody Green. Mr. Roberts' book expounds more on the practicality of the issue than does "No Compromise" but Mr. Green's biography does serve as a competent real-life example of someone who lived a life of repentance.

Both of these books were convicting & were sufficiently used by God to grasp my attention & to shake me out of the spiritual complacency to which I had fallen prey. By the grace of God I now know that repentance is not an act performed only at the point of salvation but it is something that I need to do continually. Repentance of sins should not be general or all-inclusive; it should be specific or itemized in my prayers. Repentance demands change not only of my outward actions but also of my inward heart. And, like our salvation, true repentance is not inherently a desire of my heart but a gift from God.

May it always be, Lord, may it always be!

Amen.

Gratefully Chosen?

Having finished reading "Chosen for Life" by Sam Storms I have come to realize that I'm truly blessed. No matter how contentious or challenging my life may or may not be I must remember that my first & most urgent need has already been met; & that need would be my need for a saviour.

Now I can face death without fear; pain with long suffering; & persecution & ridicule with almost supernatural tolerance. For now I know without a doubt my salvation is assured, because the One who assures it says I cannot be seized from His hand. For the first time in years I am beginning to again believe that I am loved & accepted by the only One who matters.

As I read "Chosen for Life" my heart was moved. I cannot describe the emotions I experienced as I was reading except to say I was profoundly humbled. Humbled by the fact that God for no other reason other than expressing His mercy & for His glory alone seemingly arbitrarily chose me before the dawn of time to be His.

This fact by itself reinforces in me the need to know Him more, not out of arrogance but as a form of humble worship. Although there is no way I can re-pay the debt I owe Him I am still inspired as I have never been before; hence, I will no longer worship Him out of a spirit of obligation alone but also out of a spirit of intense gratitude. I will pour out my heart to Him both privately & publicly, & glean every bit of knowledge I can from the Scriptures concerning His character. I will put to death what sin in my life He brings to my knowledge, not by my power but by His grace. Lord, may You sanctify me to become more like You!

Not only sanctify me but also let others see the changes You make in me not for my credit but for Your glory so that they, too, may desire to come to know You as I do; may they come to repent & know saving grace because of what they see You do in the heart of a frail sinner such as I.

Lord Jesus, I also repent & beg Your forgiveness for not believing in You & doubting You. If I truly believed & had no doubts I would not sin. My sin is doubt & unbelief even as I looked upon Your face! Forgive me, Lord, & strengthen me....

As I read "Chosen for Life" it became clearer to me why we worship God: We worship Him because of who He is. We worship Him because of what He has done & continues to do in our lives. But more & more, for me, it is because of gratitude for choosing me when He was under no obligation whatsoever to do so.

Before I believed as I do now I worshiped more out of obligation not to God but to those around me. I had reason to doubt my salvation. Even if I had no doubts, why would I lift my voice to worship? Who was I worshiping? God?

Now that I look back through re-newed lenses I can see that I was indeed grateful; but I wasn't grateful so much for what God had done, rather I was grateful for the opportunity He freely offered & for the potential it posed therein. If I truly worshipped at all it wasn't out of gratefulness to Him alone but also out of gratefulness to myself! Could it be that I was actually worshipping both myself & God? Lord, let it not be so!

Nonetheless I should be cautious for I could easily fall into the sins of arrogance & pride even now. For although others may not share the same beliefs that we do it still doesn't make us any less brothers & sisters in Christ. Because I am not of Calvin & they of Arminius but we are all of Christ.