Forgiveness

How much have I been forgiven? This is a rhetorical question, of course, but according to Jesus - who was & is the ultimate authority on the matter - how much I love Him is directly related to how much I perceive I've been forgiven. So, if I believe in my heart that I'm not as evil as, say, Jeffrey Dahmer then, by implication, I have not been forgiven as much as him & so then I will not have the love the Lord as much as he does.

I base this assertion on a verse in Luke &, I confess, it has been a stumbling block for me for quite some time now. At first I thought, "Great! I've never been a whore, a thief, a murderer.... Sure, I've been a drunk &, yes, I've cursed & lied but I've never done anything that bad!" No, I've never considered becoming any of those things but I did think that those that did were truly blessed simply because Jesus said they would love Him more.

Jesus said He came not to call the righteous but sinners to repentance, & that those who are well have no need for a physician. Fact is we all are sinners & sin is a disease only the Master Physician can remedy.

I am sick. I am a sinner. In no way do these two statements, which are both true & factual, exonerate me or absolve me from my guilt. I have no excuse for what & who I am nor can I blame anyone else but my myself for my condition.

I get angry, I'm extremely prideful in what I've achieved & in who I am, I afflict myself with lustful thoughts & I lie on an all-to-consistent basis. Although I have never murdered in deed I have thought murderous thoughts - & I have relished those thoughts as one would savor the flavor of iced tea on a hot summer's day!

Oh, the sinner that I am!

Jesus says those who are forgiven little, loves little. I have not been forgiven little. In fact, the longer I live the more I will need to be forgiven. And the more I am forgiven, the more I will love Him.

It was never a question of how much I have sinned; rather, it was one of perception. How much did I think I sinned? I know now that I am the worst sinner I know, no less a sinner than those who are languishing in prison right now.

All my life I have been surrounded & raised by those who fear & love God. I have been instructed in His ways & taught of my need for a saviour. If anyone could say he is not ignorant of God it would be me. I am wholly & utterly without excuse.

Yet in spite of my childhood I regretted my naivete of the world. Everyone, it seemed, had a dramatic testimony of how they came to Christ. But not me. I had always known the Truth. I cannot even claim the hour, day, month & year I came to saving grace as so many others do. And I felt guilty because of it, like I was missing out.

Don't get me wrong, I did have my dark years. I flirted with a life of sin, but when it came down to it the Truth would not leave me alone. It haunted me, sometimes it wouldn't let me sleep. For I knew the Truth & it knew me.

Flirtation with a life of unrest & sin. I call it a "flirtation" but a flirtation is just as bad. Sort of like "experimenting" with drugs: You still did them you just didn't make it a permanent lifestyle. For me, an unbeliever's lifestyle was not a fit.

I know it may appear as if I'm rambling but I'm not rambling in vain. I wrote all that to make a point that I hope is obvious by now: I feared I loved little because I perceived I had been forgiven little.

In my arrogance I had asked God why He did not allow me to wander a little farther from Him so that I could love Him a little more. I know He was protecting me from the pain that is consequential of profound sin but I wanted not only the experience but also the chance to know a deeper love for Him. I actually envied those who did have that opportunity!

There are many "I" statements written here revealing the extreme selfishness of my heart. Also the pride & arrogance. By writing what I have I have revealed how black my heart truly is, & that I had lost sight of the fact that it isn't about me but about Christ & His love & sacrifice for me. I have forgotten that it's all for His glory.

Again I have read Luke 7:47 but this time I have come to a new understanding, by the grace of God. The Holy Spirit knew I had been struggling with this verse & so He mercifully opened my eyes to its meaning by pointing me to another, possibly related, verse - Luke 5:31. Whereas I am not a theologian I cannot say this for sure but it almost appears as if Jesus' statements in these verses may be tongue-in-cheek. He said: "Those who are well have no need for a physician, but those who are sick. I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance." (Luke 5:31)

And, "Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven - for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little." (Luke 7:47)

I have come to realize that we are all sick & are in need of a physician, including myself. Further, Jesus says He did not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance. And since Paul, writing to the Romans, quoted Psalms as saying, "None is righteous, no, not one...." then I can only assume that Jesus was actually calling all of us to repentance.

As stated earlier I have never been a murderer thief or prostitute. I have never experienced the path of a drug abuser. But I have sinned. I have sinned as much as, if not more than, the murderer or drug user. My sins are just more "refined" &, as such, more palatable to the society at large.

The error I had made when I first read Luke 7:47 was what I perceived as the severity of my
sins, not the number. In God's eyes, as I've always been told, severity of the sin was never the point, for they are all sins. Nor, in my opinion, is it the number of sins, for the Lord says that if you only commit one sin you commit them all. Jesus had to forgive us all the same.

Yet the question remains: How much have I been forgiven? The answer is much regardless of my upbringing & lifestyle. Once I have fully grasped this truth then I will truly love Him all the more.